Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Recession Proof Yourself

I don’t want anyone to panic, but our economy is in trouble. Not just, “Maybe we shouldn’t get the integrated Blu-ray windshield option on our new Escalade” trouble. I mean real “the-sky-is-falling” trouble.

In light of this, you may be wondering, why not panic?

Well, firstly, you shouldn’t panic because it’s a very unoriginal response to the situation. I mean, seriously, everyone is doing it. Trust me, in about 6 months all these people who are so into panicking now are going to be in complete denial, saying things like, “yeah, I may have panicked a little, but I did it before it got huge. Once it went main stream, it was totally lame. You should check out unfounded optimism though. It’s all the rage.”

Secondly, although the financial outlook for our country is undeniably grim, there is still a sure-fire way to “recession proof” yourself.

It’s simple really. All you need to do is pull all of your money out of high-risk areas (e.g. your savings account) and put it in mattresses. And when I say, “put it in mattresses”, I don’t mean you should actually cram your cash into the mattresses in your house. I mean you should use your money to buy a bunch of mattresses.

Based on current foreclosure and employment trends, it is reasonable to assume that by the fourth quarter of next year, 98% of the US population will be homeless. With 295 million people sleeping on the street, where will the balance of power lie? With the guy who owns a crap-load of mattresses.

Trying to get through this economic crisis by holding onto your cash is tantamount to trying to survive a trip from Earth to Neptune by holding your breath. We’re leaving the oxygen-rich atmosphere of a world brought into existence by the big bang of the subprime housing market, and heading into the vacuum of space. Sure, having a “lung full” of cash will sustain you for a minute or two, but eventually you’re going to have to exhale.

As we stand on the cusp of this fiscal meltdown, saving your money is simply the worst thing you can do. While it’s still worth more than the paper it’s printed on, use your money. Buy Mattresses.

Mark my words, history will tell of the 21st century Mattress Lords who rebuilt a civilized society from the tattered remains of a world torn to shreds by the archaic economic ideologies of those who came before them.